Sunday, March 22, 2009
A man cannot survive on hot dogs alone. Sometimes even a wizard as well-traveled as myself needs to eat other foods, other foods like hamburgers. Good buddy and comedian extraordinaire Chris "Maddoo" Maddock let me in on a little local secret called Flameburger. Let's just say there are a lot of things I've learned in my life a lot less valuable than that little nugget of information.
Flameburger is a family owned diner in Columbia Heights that first opened its doors to the grease deprived in 1955. It boasts ridiculous eats like the two pound double mega burger, a local legend. The atmosphere in the diner is straight country, pictures of mallard ducks adorn the walls, and there is very likely a small time criminal and or used car salesmen selling a load of bullshit to whoever happens to sit across the counter from him.
After watching Maddoo's Death Comedy Jam at Grumpys, we decided to close the night on a greasy note and run the gauntlet of Central Avenue to Flameburger. The place was pretty quiet at 2 in the morning on a Wednesday night, except for the small time criminal and or used car salesmen who sat across from us. He had a little buddy with him that looked like he was still wearing his Perkins manager smock and name tag. They talked some serious business in hushed tones, while Chris and I mercilessly laughed at their gold chains.
Back to the food. The grub at Flameburger is made to order in front of you on a huge griddle. I opted for the four ounce California Flameburger with bacon and cheese and a side of fries. The four ounce is the smallest size they make, but it was easily as big as any burger I've tangled with in recent years.
I cannot begin to describe how delicious these burgers were. I have to admit, I've been on a Kale and Kombucha cleanse since eating there, but it was well worth it. Maddoo and I didn't speak for 15 straight minutes while were stuffing our pie-holes full of Flameburger.
Word to the wise, I received a hot tip that Flameburger is a place that cops keep there eyes on in the wee hours, so mind your p's and q's and don't drink and drive.