Sunday, August 2, 2009

Taxi Dogs

"Johnny come lately...the new kid in town.
Everybody loves him, when he comes around."

I'm new to Seattle. I've only been here for a little over a month. In that time I've had a few adventures when I haven't been at work making the advertising.

For instance, I got shit bag wasted with some South African lesbians. One of which dumped a beer on my head and grabbed my balls so hard I screamed like a howler monkey. She laughed and called me a "pufter."

I've explored miles upon miles of the Emerald City on foot with my faithful companion Kublai Khan. The little bastard has pissed on every square inch of this town by now, I swear.

I've watched bums cry, bums shit, bums shoot up, and bums dance a jig. I've also seen a bum try and steal my dog's tennis ball. Bad idea bum.

In a month's time I think it has rained once, for like two minutes.

In a month's time I've introduced Seattle to Sweet Tea, and managed to annoy the hell out of everybody in the bars where I've preached the powers of its golden bronze goodness.

In exactly one month's time I went without eating one freaking hot dog.

Well, on Saturday I decided enough was enough. I donned my research smock, took a deep breath, and soldiered through the streets scouring for the scent of all-beef encased meats.

Introducing Taxi Dogs, located on the promenade of the Pike's Place Market. Behold!

It's hard to miss Taxi Dogs, with the wafting smells and giant hot dog sign.

It's a simple storefront. One that beckons the weary tourist, an occasional hobo, and me. A dog doctor knee deep in his quest for the Pacific Northwest's equivalent to Hot Doug's and the Wienery.

Taxi Dogs doesn't really have speciality hot dog combinations, simply a list of different sausages. You then add additional toppings of your choosing. They have kosher all-beef franks, bratwurst, kielbasa, hot links, chicken garlic sausage, weisswurst and more. Unfortunately the toppings cost extra. Lame.

I've always thought the proof of a good dog is all in the quality of the sausage and the resilliance of the bun. The canvas if you will.

The topping pairings are what separate a simple sausage in a bun, from a work of art.

Taking that into account, Taxi Dogs wins with the meat and bun. They fail when they charge extra for toppings. That's an expensive lunch for a regular encased meat savant such as myself.

Here's how I made the magic happen:

One Hot Link (spicy pork and beef sausage) with slaw, onions, yellow mustard, and some BBQ sauce.

The bun was a chewy hard roll, almost like a warm bagel, or pretzel. It held the girth of the hot link nicely, and the chewiness of it all was a nice surprise. It held the flavors together like a pistol grip ready to blast all over your taste buds, not on your shirt.

One Kosher all-beef frank with chili, cheddar cheese and yellow mustard.

This dog was ridiculously huge. Kind of like what we Minnesotan's call a Dome Dog. I prefer a thinner wiener with a snap. This dog was a mouthful. The bun was your typical soft, enriched white flour. Nothing special, but what you would expect with a chili cheese.

Here's a cross-section of the Hot Link. Nice weight to these dogs for sure.

Look at the size of that chili cheese!

While devouring my first dog in over a month, I spotted this pile of bums passed out in the grass. One guy kept trying over and over again to stand up. He smashed his face into the dirt about 20 times in a row before finally flailing on the ground crying real baby tears and screaming his head off. Bums crying seems like it would be the saddest thing ever, but these guys were actually pretty funny.

This bum finally got a hold of the tree to prop himself up, and then he promptly shit himself. That's when I decided to leave.

All in all Taxi Dogs has a fine selection of sausages and bun brethren. It was pretty expensive (about $7 per dog with my toppings) and I'm not a fan of dog's that are a solid inch and half in diameter. As I was taking pictures, the girl behind the counter asked where I was from. She then asked why I didn't get a "Seattle Dog?"

Wha??? Apparently there's a hot dog specific to Seattle. It has cream cheese on it. BOOM!

Next time buddies. Next time.

1 comment:

Jake Lancaster said...

Just like how Moby Dick is about more than whales, a hot-dog adventure is always about more than wieners.