Saturday, April 25, 2009

Wiener Dog Race Wiener

My Sweet Old Lady and I took Rocketsauce and Tater out to the Wiener Dog Races today in Buda. Figgered it was a nice day and the dags would like some interaction with an clutch of little German pups. There was a mess of them shits. All sizes, standard, miniature, toy... Mostly well behaved except for a couple barky little fuckers. It was a mix of county fair and carnival even the Wienermobile was there. The only thing missing was the booze.

But to make up for that they smartly served up some tasty dogs. I promptly ordered up a chili and dressed it with plain mustard, dill relish and Meaner Wiener Chipotle sauce.

Some of the sauce they were slingin'

And the Wiener Race Wiener

Sunday, April 19, 2009


This is a re-post from Superbeast, but I thought it probably made more sense here at B & H. Carry on.

Instead of sitting around in my underwear waiting for emails, I decided to get the hell out of dodge and head down to Cozumel for a little relaxation. My friend Cha Cha and her Mom have a real, real nice place on the island with all the luxuries you would hope for as a wonderbread gringo.

Some things were a little differenter though. Here's what to expect if you head that way:

1. Don't flush your toilet paper. You have to throw it in a little waste basket. I couldn't relieve myself for two straight days because of this. Totally gross.

2. There is a brand of motorcycle that a lot of people ride in Cozumel. It's called an Enticer. It's also my new band name.

3. I almost died by way of sea urchin. Thanks for the head's up Cha Cha!

4. I might as well brush my teeth with onion and cilantro now.

5. Beware of this hustle: "I need money to help pay for my Alcoholics Anonymous anniversary cake." It is commonly used.

6. Go to any beach bar for a "Sunset Party," that's where all the white women at.

7. I drank things like "Carribean Vibes" and a "Happy Iguana." They are overrated and expensive. Stick to ice cold beer in a bottle.

8. There is never a crappy day in Cozumel. It's always awesome weather, or super awesome weather. I hear this changes during hurricane season, but I'm not buying it.

9. Despite all the news in the states about violent rampages by the infamous drug cartels, I was obnoxious the whole time I was there and nobody cut my head off and stuffed me in a trunk of a VW bug. The locals in Cozumel are all super friendly.

10. I'm convinced the mirrors in my house stateside are "skinny" mirrors, because I'm one fat sonofabitch in Mexico.

Here is a photo essay of my vacation:

Empenadas. Hand patted masa with frijoles, queso and beef.

Tacos from El Pique. Cha claims this is the best joint on the island. I wasn't arguing. Looks like we have a little beef, al pastor, and chuletas fresca. All with cheese.

This is the tropical fish in a mustard sauce. Cha Cha's island favorite from La Choza.

Chicken mole from La Choza.

Shrimp ceviche from La Choza.

An authentic tortilla soup for starters.

Carnitas for breakfast. I could eat this stuff all day long.

More Chuletes Fresca. Thinly sliced pork chops marinated in salt and pepper and fried on the flat top and chopped up. With onion, cilanto and a bit of manchego cheese. My favorite of the trip. They even give you the bone to nibble off of.

Panuchos. Shredded roasted chicken over a masa tortilla filled with refried black beans and topped with cabbage and jalopeno. Delicious!

Fresh fish platter from Chen Rio.

Some hot dogs and sausages at the super huge supermarket.

Al Pastor pizza. Yeah you heard that right. It was amazing. Very heavy duty. I had one slice.

Al Pastor tacos.

More Chuletas Fresca. I love this stuff!

The trip was amazing, and cheap! I spent a grand total of about $500 American dollars and that included my flight. It helps that I have friends that basically run Cozumel, but a savvy traveler should be able to get by pretty inexpensively. If you really want to be an "Ultimate Vacation Dude" you won't be able to survive on the pittance I spent. Shit, Tommy Bahama gear is expensive, and Sombreros aren't as cheap as one might think.

Oh, I almost forgot. My favorite tourist shirt I saw was "I might be shy, but I have a big dick."

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Road Dogs

Last week I hit six different states in as many days, stayed up 23 hours through part of the travels, schooled some whisky drinking Kentucky clowns on what happens to their barrels after they are spent, went to a pro basketball game, crashed a flight simulator (twice) and ate a few dogs. It was a pretty alright trip.

First up Memphis. Went to the Grizzlies game. Wasn't too stoked about it since they blow but they played Portland and Greg Oden got a little playing time so I could see if he really was as good as hyped when he went #1 in the draft a couple back. He was alright. Surprisingly Memphis was crushing Portland behind OJ Mayo's hot hand. A nice showing for that kid. Of course they choked and lost by a point in the last 4 seconds. Aside from the skank cheerleaders the real highlight was watching the game from the FedEx suite. That means free beer and crap. Standard catered fare, cheese plates, sausage, wings, etc. But much to my delight they had a hot dog bar. Fuckin A. So I get to kick back in leather seats, swig beers brought to me by the staff and chow on a dag. The only losers here were the Grizzlies fans. Man their team sucks. Ended up at Rendezvouz for some dry rub ribs and pork shoulder after the match. Now I know Memphis likes to claim to be BBQ kings but that shit hain't got nuthin' on Smitty's. One day Jake will talk about that for yinz.

Next stop Louisville. Didn't actually get any dogs here but I did crash another simulator. Those things are easy to take of and fly but landing is a bitch. The reason I feel the need to add Louisville to the story goes back to a documentary I have called Sandwiches You Will Like I highly recommend this flick and another Sebak did called A Hot Dog Program This quality viewing has made me want to plan vacations just to go eat the grub. One sammich in particular is the Hot Brown. Unfortunate name yes but delicious all the same. It happened that my stay in Lville was at the historic Brown Hotel The Hot Brown is a Kentucky standard made at a few places but as luck would have it I was sleepin upstairs from the joint that invented it. Open face turkey with mornay sauce, parmesan and bacon. It was all I had hoped. Prelimed that action with some sausage/apple/bean soup and backed all that up with some Derby Pie. The only thing I fucked up was ordering sweet tea instead of a mint julep.

Next in line Northcutt and I head off to Oklahoma City to drive a 26 ft Uhaul full of antique furniture back to Austin (there will be more to tell about this at a later date dear readers) At the Austin aeroport we decided it was time to get right. Three beers each and some really shitty brisket queso from Earl Campbell's bar and we are on the plane to Dallas.

Stewardess: Would you like something to drink?
Me: 4 vodkas please.
S: You realize this is a 30 min. flight?
Me: Are you saying I need to order my second round now?
S: Oh Pumpkin there isn't going to be a second round.

Beautiful flight up and down just like the vodkas. Northcutt and I kill a little time in the Dallas aeroport bar with buddy Sam Adams then back on the plane to OKC.

Steward: Would you like something to drink?
Me: 4 vodkas please.
S: You realize this is a 30 min. flight?

The dude didn't seem as cool as the chick on the previous flight so I just took the vodkas and Northcutt and I commenced to imbibing. My sweet old lady picked us up and took us straight to Coit's for some dogs. See how I brought it back around?

We order up some draft root beers, four chilis and two cornys. So good we went back for two more chilis.

Last but not least we hit Johnnie's also in OKC. This here is the #13. Split, grilled red hot with chili and cheese that is closest to Velveeta. Awesome.

Thee Mighty Cone

About a block from my pad there is an Airstream with a giant spinning cupcake on it. It's called "Hey Cupcake" Cute right? Guess what, they sell cupcakes. You know what else? They suck. If you are only doing one thing you better do it really fucking well. But I digress.

This trailer sits on an empty lot. Right around South By Southwest this year an army of trailers cropped up in the lot hawking everything from paninis to popcorn. None of this stuff was of interest really but one day whilst walking Rocketsauce and Tater to Jo's for an Iced Turbo I finally looked a little closer at The Mighty Cone and noticed it was run by Hudson's On The Bend.

Now before you get into the rest of this story take a second to go peruse Hudson's menu. It's the only place where I have eaten this fabulous array of animals in one sitting:

Rattlesnake cakes with pistachio crust and chipotle cream
Shot of spicy lobster bisque
Escargot with hearts of palm and asparagus
Venison with lobster with guava sour cherry sauce
Ruby Trout with mango habanero aioli
Chocolate-chili-coffee rubbed Elk with Gulf Coast Crab and lime chipotle beer blanc
Rabbit tenders, Smoked Quail and Achiote Marinated Buffalo.

Given that The Mighty Cone was affiliated with this kinda of stellar meat fandango I decided to give it a shot. I was fully prepared to order up the hot and crunchy chicken avacado thingy they offered but right when I was about to make my selection I saw the Cone Dog on the menu. Well shit there it was. Grass fed Venison dressed up in a goofy cone. One please with a side of chili dusted fries. Since I still wasn't paying complete attention I really didn't know what the cone was. I was kinda hoping for a waffle. Now don't get excited it wasn't a waffle it was a tortilla. But it was a tortilla stuffed with some pretty tasty sausage and slaw that kept Rocketsauce's attention while I ate it on my porch chased with a nice PBR. Not too shabby for walking about a block and buying dinner out of a trailer.

So welcome to the hood fruitcakes Rocketsauce and I will be back!

Sunday, April 5, 2009

Bacon Wrapped Venison and Buddies.

I decided to have a little BBQ for the hell of it this past weekend. A few good buddies showed up, like Jake "the Prodigal Son" Lancaster, John "Yahtzee" Nussbaum, Schwenny, The Mayor, The Dude, and Kent and Kellar the creative duo behind the internet...the whole damn internet.

I whipped up a batch of bacon-wrapped venison sausages along with some homemade salsa. The salsa went quicker than Carl Lewis jacked on human growth hormones, and I only got one of the sausages. Never fear, I also loaded up the grill with a bunch of all-beef franks and the world's largest can of Baked Beans. Rumor has it that the can of beans was swiped from a homeless shelter. I prefer to believe it came from Costco.

After all the eats and beers we headed down to Artcrank, "the poster party for bike people." The show was cool, but super packed per usual. I got a little claustrophobic so we headed over to Cuzzy's where Jake proceeded to show us how tough he was by doing push-ups with a cardboard boner on his head. Just another wacky Saturday night.

I'll be able to wash that dick off my hand, but Jake will always be a dickhead.

Photos courtesy of Mike Haeg.